Moving On is a Dance of Back and Forth
Moving on from relationships and lovers is a dance of back and forth. What that dance is, depends on your journey. For me, this past week, the dance was between love and hate, thanks and regret, humour and sadness, and my favourite maladaptive daydream of romance and angst.
Yes, all of those can occur in one week. Heck, some have even occurred over an hour. At night was the worst. When I said my prayers to the Universe and got comfortable ready to sleep, I was stuck in the back and forth with nothing to distract me. If I opened TikTok, I wouldn’t get off for hours. Instagram was a no go because I was too tempted to check what I knew I shouldn’t. I wasn’t going to read.
So, for some time each night, enough that it affected my sleep time, I considered all the things. What did I do wrong? How could I have acted differently that it would not have come to this? Where was I going with this back and forth? How much longer was I going to keep doing this? And, why wasn’t I healed yet?
I know that healing depends on the context and the person. Someone who broke their leg horse riding might heal their bones within months, but the fear of breaking it again might stop them from getting back in the saddle for years. If someone were diagnosed with PTSD, maybe they would dive into their mental health or not. Weeks and years. That is the difference between moving on and the back and forth dance.
But since my experience with relationships and lovers isn’t as traumatic as breaking my leg or developing PTSD, I ache with the continued moving on dance.
I think after a falling out with a relationship or lover, it is natural to question everything. And I have. But, I think at a certain point, I realised that I was just punishing myself. My therapist said that because it was my first big deal partner since I’ve made so much improvement with my mental health, I set a high expectation of it. That, and I am ready to have my partner in crime, love and life.
I was punishing myself by sitting in the sadness and not acknowledging how much good had happened. I learned so much about myself, and the areas I needed to improve, such as communication, were highlighted. But not just that, I made active efforts during that time. I gained confidence.
When I realised I was sitting in too much sadness, I pulled myself out of it by focussing on the positive. Yes, it had ended, but it had a duration of time where there was so much good. Even if not all of it was good, there was good. I showed so much gratitude for the time we had together, so thankful that I got to know him, spend time with him. So grateful for the laughter, the kisses, and the exploration of senses.
The back and forth constitutes balancing the punishment and the positive. I can go weeks without thinking about him. Last week, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I even tried to actively not think about him! When I got into the mode of punishment/positive daydreaming, I imagined I was talking to someone else.
But, like a bizarre consequence from the Universe, I would see his name, smell his fragrance, have his taste in my mouth.
Then, I posed to the Universe, let him come to me if we are meant to meet again. I’m not the one who stopped communicating. Again, the consequence of his name, fragrance, the taste would come.
I will say that instead of getting angry, I accepted it all. After each punishment/positive daydream, I recovered relatively quickly. And, I only cried a couple myself to sleep once.
What a week it was!
Sometimes I think that there are still lessons that I haven’t discovered I need to learn yet. Moving on from relationships and lovers gives you ample opportunity to learn. In this whole time, I have learnt that I am worthy, I deserve respect, and all of my feelings are valid. I don’t want someone who isn’t willing to try to come correct.
Maybe I haven’t learnt that we aren’t meant to be together. Perhaps the Universe is saying, do these memories make you feel good? Is this what you want for your future? And to the Universe, I say, I want myself for the future; anything extra is just icing on the cake.
I also considered that I was valuing a partnership too much. The nights are getting cold. My touch isn’t quite as fun as it is with someone else’s. Maybe I just needed a friend with benefits. But when I toyed with that thought, the same bizarre Universe consequence gave me a headache.
Maybe it means nothing. I could just be in the back and forth phase of sadness. I am prone to overthinking, haha. Hmm. It is a difficult path moving on. Relationships and lovers are never permanent, even with commitment. Life has many variables, and I think I would always choose my growth over settling.
I think this week will be just as challenging since there hasn’t been a shift in moving on back and forth momentum. But, I did well last week, and I will this week too. If anything, I am thankful for this time because I know that I can come back quickly, emotionally and mentally. There is relief and pride in how far I have come with that.
Finally, if you are in a situation like this, I’m sending you love.
Cheers to new weeks, moving on, and the time we had together.
Tea of the day – Twinings, Earl Grey
Stay safe, be kind, and feel free to reach out below!
With love and eternal optimism,