You Aren't Responsible For Other People's Progress, Even If It Hurts You
Something that I am unlearning is putting myself in the way of other people’s growth. Recently, a lot has shifted in terms of the people around me and their growth: friends, family and soul tribe. Letting people grow and stepping out of their way is difficult for me because of that trigger to mother.
I think that people misunderstand me sometimes in that I’m very serious. Actually, I am serious; I’m just not as serious as people think I am. Part of that is my fault and my reluctance to step away from that ‘mother mode’. For me, it is scary to let it go because it is a huge part of my identity.
I should interject here that I’m going through an ego death and an identity crisis. It’s not fun. I don’t recommend it.
Throughout the past week, I have learnt to let go of the reigns of those in my life. Even though it hurts me, which it does because I hate seeing people who I love being hurt. But, it’s not my place, and it does more damage than good.
I am learning how to be a friend, a sister, a daughter without being a parent. These are all things I can do. They are just learning curves for the other parties and for me. However, by stepping back, the bi-proxy result is that people have to grow – including myself.
Something that has always stressed me out is not being able to prevent people I love from falling. In fact, falling is part of life. People can’t learn to cradle their fall unless they fall by themselves. This is people’s growth. For this, letting people grow means not knowing as much and not involving myself. It’s a one day at a time learning curve.
Another stressor is my own idea of failure and what it means to be a friend who doesn’t do enough. Does that mean I’m a failure? If they fall down when I could have stepped in, am I a failure of a friend? Was I really their friend at all? The answer is yes, of course. Because, as is the point of this E&OC post, letting people grow is part of friendships, part of bonds.
Other people’s growth isn’t dependent on me as a person and how much I can give them. Rather, people’s growth is dependent on how much they can help themselves. However, I don’t believe that I should never step in. For example, if they are struggling with mental health or substance abuse. I’m talking about thinks they can resolve until they ask for my help.
Things like interpersonal conflicts, work issues, family issues, and love life issues.
I think as well that part of my childhood meant the relationships around me were always co-dependent. That’s all I’ve ever known. So stepping back means that I have to unlearn my childhood, which is hard. It is learning it’s okay for people to fall down in some dirt and that my role as their friend is to help them when they ask or when they can no longer help themselves.
My mind, body and soul feel lighter.
While not everything feels okay right now, and while I did have an argument with my siblings today, everything will work out. Because letting people grow leaves me more time to grow, and overall, that means better things in the future.
One day at a time, leaning into fear.
Happy Monday ~
Tea of the day – Rose and Peppermint Tea
Stay safe, be kind, and feel free to reach out below!
With love and eternal optimism,