You have to actively choose, even if it crucifies you – E&OC

keep them in your life
crucify you

You have to actively choose,
even if it crucifies you

Hello, hello from wherever you are in the world. Last week was really so so. It wasn’t good, but it wasn’t bad, just a myriad of conflicting days. I did reach a milestone of 10 Etsy sales! That’s been checked off my vision board. Last week I came to a realisation about the relationships in our lives. Similar to the past two weeks, this is for platonic, romantic, sexual, whatever. 

I realised that you have to make the choice people aren’t for you, even if, at the moment, it feels like you’re crucifying yourself.

You will be better off setting boundaries and choosing to step back from people in the long run. But at the moment, in the present, it really feels like I’m ripping my own heart out.

There are two reasons I came to this realisation. It was an anniversary date of someone no longer in my life, and I got into another semi-conflict with someone in my life (I was not wrong.) 

Regarding the semi-conflict, let’s start easy. Maybe it’s because of my upbringing, my Arab side or just because it’s something I would do. But when you go to someones else on a special date, such as Easter Sunday, you usually bring a gift for someone, like a box of chocolates. I had prepared Easter chocolate gifts and food for these people to take home, and while it’s not even a big issue, I had to wonder if I was too critical of a person.

In therapy, my psychologist often tells me that I could have avoided a situation if I didn’t have such high standards of others. This is because of my childhood. But I think in this case, it’s okay to expect something from others. I understand that their presence and visit is enough. At the same time, had I not taken a gift to them if the roles were reversed, there would have been a problem.

In being too critical, I wondered if I am just looking for a reason to not have people in my life. If criticising things was a way of self-sabotaging potential friendships and relationships. But at the same time, I have to balance having standards. Even though gift-giving is a micro issue, I can also apply it to a macro level. If this person and I don’t agree on gift-giving etiquette (micro), do we agree on honesty standards (macro)? To me, the answer is no. This is evident in how we don’t have a good friendship anyway. If this person wasn’t important to other people in my family, they would not be in my life.

 But I can apply this micro/macro analysis to friendships of past and present. My most co-dependent friendships have fallen to pieces because I didn’t pursue my boundaries and didn’t push micro/macro issues when I should have. There was agreement on mostly everything, but not because it was honest, because it was co-dependent. Ironically, the longest friendship I’ve had has lasted despite that we don’t agree on politics (macro), but we agree on the majority of micro/macro issues.

However, those friendships of the past worked for the time. And I am forever grateful for the times, the lessons and the memories. At the same time, I wouldn’t take friendships with those people again so intensely. It would be a light-hearted and fun acquaintance. To set those boundaries and end those friendships as they were, was really tough. I had to grow without those people who had been in my life for a long time. But, if I hadn’t done that, I would not be where I am today.

I didn’t say anything to their face about the gift because I knew I was upset over something very small. But you sure as hell better believe they get one less Easter chocolate next year.

Now, for the big one. Honestly, I don’t even want to talk about it because I’m holding on by a very, very fine line. The anniversary was one more year around the sun, and I did not send a message in congratulations and well wishes.


I actually kept the promise to myself.

Honestly, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done for myself. I know what it feels like to not be included or feel like you’re not important on your special days. But, I also know that if I had sent it, I would have hated myself. 

How you act in reaction to others treatment of you lets them know how to treat you. So, by not sending a message, I said that you can’t ex-communicate me when you were the one who pushed. I said I deserve someone who loves me just as much as I love them, who wants to be a partner with me and not two singles who met every once in a while.

To the Universe, I said, let my next soul mate come to me because I am ready.

In saying that, I ripped the lock off the chest of emotion that I buried deep, and I felt awful for the whole entire weekend. I stressed myself out so much, going back and forth, do I, don’t I. Insanity. But despite all of it, I know that I made the best choice for myself. I needed not to message. 

Indeed, you have to actively choose that people aren’t for you. 

I did learn a few things. It is possible to make good choices even though it hurts. Reflecting on why you feel things is still better than drowning my sorrows in alcohol. Even though I struggled, I still did everything I needed to do for work and my side hustles. And through it all, I still took the time for self-care, journaling and a nice handful of orgasms. 

I am worthy of all that I desire and healthy, happy and mutually worked on relationships, no matter the kind.

Above all, I learned that. 

Let it hurt. It might hurt for a while. But I trust it will all be worth it. 

Tea of the day – Whiskey, double. Repeat.

Stay safe, be kind, and feel free to reach out below!

With love and eternal optimism,

J.R. Sonder

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