Biography

Hello and welcome, 

My earliest memories of my childhood are that it was always loud. Not in the rumbustious way of joy or music lessons or eating together around a dinner table. Rather, the loud that was fighting amongst my father’s siblings. Screaming matches on a Saturday and my Giddy shouting from the bottom of the stairs for money or for someone to drive him to where all the old, wasted men go after being mothered by their wives.

When we moved out of my Sity and Giddy’s house, we moved into a house within walking distance. Even though it was walking distance, no one would ever come to save me and siblings. The loud followed except it was no longer an option to ignore that the fighting that was between siblings was now between my parents. More often than not, the ‘fighting’ was my father lost in his post traumatic complex disorder taking it out on my mother, which trickled down on to us children. Sometimes the loud was so bad we had to leave the house. I would later learn that these experiences were acts of domestic violence.

Inherently, I never felt safe. In all the houses there was loudness, violence, money issues, access issues to food, water, and hygiene products. I had a shelter, but no other human rights met. I was a child and an eldest daughter. I was the parentified child and I was scared. Always alert, on the edge of fight or flight with no autonomy to do either.

Was it all bad? No. There were moments that were beautiful, but they were and are clouded by the state of the edge. Too much noise and it reduced my capacity to surveil the landscape for any potential violence, too little noise and it was a pre cursor to violence and my heart pumped in preparation to flee.

In my teenage years, these beautiful things called hormones amplified the fear and welcomed another emotion: anger. Pure, burning rage. It’s quite the dichotomy: fear/rage. On one hand I wanted nothing more than to be hidden away and on the other hand I wanted justice and recognition for the childhood and development I had endured.

Then, in my late teens and into my early 20’s, I met someone who terrified me to the point it took me a decade to reconcile with it. My Sun. Since I had no self-worth, and since I could never deserve a safe life since I hadn’t been worthy of a safe childhood, then I wasn’t going to my Sun through the sufferance of a life with me as my father had destroyed my mother’s life. With that decision made, I fell into a depression and on a path that I was concerned I was going to act on the desire to no longer exist.

I met my longest-term psychologist in response to that. I went on my first anti-depressants (Valdoxen) and I showed up. My mental and emotional state was so bad I was having anxiety attacks at having to leave the house that I reduced my work hours. I had no independence and I was dependent on my mother and friends to get anywhere. The internet and my access to it played a huge part in it too. Why would I leave the house when I could rot away enough that I needed only the bare minimum to fuel my body and was entertained 24/7? I was alive but not living.

After a year with that psychologist, I couldn’t close my eyes in front of her, but I could get myself on public transport and to and from a place all by myself. I still feel pride every single time I use public transport.

In my mid 20’s, I met the Moon, and I confused calm as love. Your mid 20’s are where you make your first life choices with a developed brain, some life experience, and mostly have the legal autonomy to achieve your dreams. Though it took some years, I decided that I did not want to live suffering the same life that my parents live – plagued by mental health issues, violent “love”, and co-dependency.

I moved out. I finished up with that psychologist, with the Moon (for good!), I came off Valdoxen. Then, COVID-19 happened. I moved back in. I was strong, I was healed and healing. I thought moving back in couldn’t do that much damage, but I returned to old habits. It was easier to. I had changed but the root cause, my parents, had worsened.

Then, in my late 20’s, I was diagnosed with rectal cancer. Nothing mattered anymore except going in for surgery and waking up with the cancer gone.

Life’s wild.

I woke up from my first surgery and the cancer was gone. I’m still under surveillance by my medical team, but I conquered it.

I met my current psychologist in my early 30’s as my complete positivity towards my cancer diagnosis meant that I hadn’t processed what had actually happened. I never thought I’d write goodbye letters to my siblings, but I did. The number of appointments I’d go to post surgery was panic inducing and I just needed some help.

I’m on Zoloft (cost of living crisis) and we’re doing Schema therapy. It’s difficult and I always get myself a sweet treat after but we do this great thing called chest therapy to close off a session and I can comfortably close my eyes in front of her. While I am better equipped to handle challenges that come my way, I am still recovering from childhood. Still working on undoing the damage.

All in all, in my early 30’s, I met myself, and I quite like myself.

Sonder: noun. the realisation that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.

J.R. Sonder is my safety net of a pseudonym. I am completely free in my J.R. Sonder mindset. As much as I love myself, writing and exploring these parts of life is terrifying and distressing. I have to have a way to switch into my creator mode and switch back into my ordinary mode for my own sanity.

I like the duality of this, and that I have control of it. I like that while I might be scared to sit and pour my heart out as J.R., J.R. Sonder takes it all without wavering, like my own chest, completely able to contain it with no limits. Most importantly, I am safe.

Still in my early 30’s, I live my life for me by me within the constraints of the cost of living and the sickening state of the world. I drink coffee in the morning and tea for the rest of the day. I am hilarious. I love shopping and spending money on skincare. Live music and experiences age me backwards. I use the weekly Hobonichi Techo. I’m a Scorpio sun, Aquarius moon, and Sagittarius rising. God help me, I am a Ferrari fan.

I want to die contributing positively to community (locally and globally) and I work and create with that mission.

Thanks for being here,

J.R. Sonder